By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit

Exile in Happy Valley

“From these unfolding vistas of human misery and from personal misery, man must forge convictions, call other men his brothers, and fight for freedom. Man is only free if he is prepared to kill every hangman and every power magnate if they do not wish to stop their shameful tasks.”

-Nestor Makhno, Ukrainian

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person on the planet who has noticed that pretty much everyone seems to be losing the war in Ukraine. You would never know it from all the shameless cheerleaders on the mainstream news, but this thing is a downright ghastly dumpster fire and Vladimir Putin isn’t the only one getting burned. The entire Eurasian landmass is gagging on the toxic fumes of that endless proxy war and the pollution is spreading fast.

We’re all generally kept abreast of Putin’s imperial blunders but just because the NATOcrats on CNN publicly jack off to the details doesn’t mean they’re not true. That mincing little shit isn’t fucking up nearly as bad as Zelensky’s English-speaking fanboys would have you believe but he’s still fucking up. Desperately trying to advertise himself as some kind of heroic patriot for sucking his people into an unwinnable crusade that any first-day Kremlinologist should have been able to deduct was a trap designed by Russia’s western adversaries to ensnare them into the kind of imperial regime change nightmare that usually only neocons are thick enough to act on.

Not that Volodymyr Zelensky has fared any better from this hideous conspiracy. If last week’s NATO summit in Vilnius should have made anything painfully clear it is that Kiev is getting poned by this plot every bit as Badly as the Kremlin is if not worse. Nation after nation at that satanic shindig took turns thanking Ukraine for feeding an entire generation into their woodchipper before announcing that their country club isn’t excepting any new members until old members drop dead. Meanwhile, Ukrainian-born strippers are jumping out of cakes and blowing Sweden in the next room while “Celebrate Good Times” ushers in their rushed membership.

Basically, if Putin is playing Carry in this Disney remake of a Brian De Palma classic, then Zelensky is the hunky dud in the feathered hair getting nailed in the dome by the blood bucket and that bucket is coming down hard in the Donbass where this waking nightmare started and refuses to end.

Even with Putin’s favorite neo-Nazi privateers in Wagner pulling pranks on him in the motherland, Ukraine is still getting savagely bushwacked in their long-anticipated spring offensive. With an arsenal of Lucifer’s finest toys and a price tag three times higher than most of their neighbor’s GDPs combined, Zelensky’s plucky conscripts haven’t managed to move their trenches more than an inch to the east. But fuck it, maybe a fresh batch of cluster bombs will do the trick. Hell, why not napalm and agent orange too while we’re pimping out the civilian killing winners?

No, the only winners in Ukraine are the pimps themselves in the arms industry and they don’t even have to sully their ring fingers with peasant’s flesh just so long as they can draft more Slavic teenage slaves to smack their bitch up for them.

This shit is fucking depressing me. As a lapsed-tankie war-nerd turned collapsitarian Putin-skeptic, I never thought I’d get sick of analyzing my old ideological stomping grounds in the former Soviet Union, but no one seems to be heeding my observations and they’re actually pretty fucking basic. Everyone is losing this stupid goddamn war because everyone is on the wrong side of the wrong border. Russia has no right to run roughshod over Ukraine regardless of what twisted john they allow to cum in their unprotected asshole and Ukraine has no right to do the same damn thing to the Donbass for the same damn reasons.

All people have the right to secede when their nation acts without their consent and that nation has the right to get blown to bits like a bully in Straw Dogs for trying to stand in their way. Russia gets their ass kicked every time they forget that Ukraine doesn’t want to play Soviet Union anymore and Ukraine gets their ass kicked just as hard every time that they forget that “liberating” the Donbass with cluster bombs is how this sick quagmire got started in the first place.

There are no more heroes left alive in this war, only imbeciles that refuse to take a time-out from murdering each other to read a history book and what history should teach everyone in this campaign of carnage is that the biggest villain in Ukrainian history has and always will be that imperial contraption known as the border.

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