News Updates

Current Thing Round Up: I DON’T NEED TO TAKE DRUGS I AM DRUGS

“You couldn’t make this shit up” – Salvador Dali, probably
  • Cargo ship the Dali crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, Maryland, leading to a rather spectacular collapse. Current estimates of the incompetence-to-malice ratio of this event vary widely, but reliable sources state that the vessel was transporting a shipment of weird melty clocks.
Sam Bankman-Fried, co-founder of FTX Cryptocurrency Derivatives Exchange, leaves court in New York on July 26, 2023.
Who would ever have guessed this guy was untrustworthy?
  • Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years in prison for scamming gullible tech-bros. The Effective Altruist movement was briefly in uproar, but they quickly regrouped and started debating the morality of pre-emptively nuking the entire planet to prevent anyone from being scammed ever again.
https://cms.zerohedge.com/s3/files/inline-images/httpssubstack-post-media.s3.amaz%20%2819%29.jpg?itok=QzTZO2Aw
  • The USA increases pressure on India following the arrest of Chief Minister of Delhi Arving Kejriwal, which Western commentators believe to be politically motivated in the run-up to the national elections. No way – seriously? Are you saying that a corrupt oligarchy would stage an unlawful arrest in order to prevent an undesired rival from taking office?! I – I just can’t even. I need to take a lie down before I get to the next bullet-point. Time for a commercial break.

Are you ready to ascend to new levels of basedness?

solar eclipse
  • Eclipse season is here, and the upcoming solar eclipse will be visible across a stretch of North America from the Pacific coast of Mexico to Nova Scotia. Some astrologers say this eclipse will be a harbinger of war, chaos, and ‘a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment.’
Monty Python's Life of Brian

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