Once again, The Onion proves to be the most accurate news source.
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people die, but left unchecked, this federal republic will unleash untold destruction on the world,” said Fauci, adding that the North American country was already too far out of control, and that only way to stop the devastating effects of its spread was to eliminate it as quickly as possible.
“Unfortunately, I can tell you that over the past hundreds of years, we’ve already witnessed the terrible, global consequences of the American experiment firsthand. While people may act prematurely and claim that the 325 million-person nation has been safely contained, believe me, this is just the beginning.” At press time, Fauci urged the public not to underestimate the nation as it had already killed too many people to count.