By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit
Exile in Happy Valley
Remember when the Russians were coming? It seems like just last week Vladimir Putin was whistling the Soviet National Anthem just around every corner of main street. After the colossal clusterfuck of Hillary 2016, you couldn’t swing a dead cat in a news room without hitting another crafty Kremlin conspiracy. Those shifty almond-eyed bastards were the secret sauce behind everything that gave neoliberals heartburn; MAGA, Black Lives Matter, Wikileaks, Bernie Bros, Jill Stein, Sasquatch, Tulsi Gabbard, Colin Kaepernick, the female orgasm. They were behind it all! Putin was everywhere, like Elvis Presley in a Mojo Nixon song, and he was always up to something new, some dastardly new conspiracy to corrupt our precious bodily fluids that only Rachel Maddow and six permanently anonymous intelligence experts could save us from. Donald Trump was constantly on the brink of impeachment for pissing on a Russian prostitute dressed as Abe Lincoln and wrapped in the Constitution or some such noise. It made sense in the moment, I swear it did! It was a new day in Imperial America, a whole new Cold War was upon us, and Adam Schiff would lead us to the promise land like a liberal Joe McCarthy on a gallant white stead.
Now, Russiagate just feels so two-thousand-and-late. Schiff has been outed by his own lazy paperwork as a libelous scumfuck just a few lies and a sex crime short of the Donald himself, and Rachel Maddow’s soaring calls to action against the Kremlin menace have taken on the sea-sick patina of Alex Jones in a sporty pant suit. Even the devil himself, Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem so scary anymore. So he declares himself president-for-life and has a few more American sponsored journalists tossed in the dreaded Lubyanka, what else is on? The New Cold War is old news. In post-Covid America, the New New Cold War is where it’s at. Who needs those vodka-soaked Russkies when you have the Chinese! (Gong bangs in background) A super sneaky, disease spewing people who’s currency is actually worth more than double-ply toilet paper, which is worth slightly more than the Dollar. Donald Trump and Mike Pompeo have hit the ground spewing with a torrential cavalcade of convoluted race-baiting accusations and innuendo about China’s devilish double-dealings, from the bat labs of Wuhan to the rocks of the South China Sea, and Joe Biden and the New York Times aren’t far behind them. Rather than taking the high road for once and denying this bullshit as an excuse for Trump to cover his orange ass on his derelict response to Covid-19, old grabby Joe has taken his usual route, bashing Trump in swing state commercials for not being stupid enough on China. Joe, they promise, could be way more stupid, and somehow, I don’t doubt that for a second.
But as a post-tankie war nerd, I’m left scratching my head. Those cretins in the deep state put so much elbow grease into creating a narrative that the Soviet Union was rising from the grave like a red star bedazzled Babadook that they were willing to impeach one of their own just because he suggested that Vladimir Putin might not be the next Hitler. But now their willing to just roll over and let Trump have his new bone. I’d say we’re probably just about thirty days from Tucker Carlson giving John Brennan a hummer on live television while he belches about Chinese hackers and our God-given right to protect the freedom of other people’s seas. As best as I can explain the meticulous madness of these fucking vultures, I would suggest that my dearest motherfuckers take a closer look at the original Cold War, and you’ll find that not much has really changed at all. The scapegoats have shifted but the target remains the same.