By Aleksey Bashtavenko

Academic Composition

 

Once upon a time, in the idyllic town of Wokeville, there dwelled a woman named Helda Shicklegrubber. Helda was not just any English professor; she was a self-proclaimed feminist warrior, armed with an arsenal of woke ideology and a disdain for anyone who dared to challenge her beliefs. One day, in the hallowed halls of Wokeville University, Helda found herself engaged in a heated debate with her new colleague, Dave. Dave dared to question Helda’s definition of feminism, sending her into a frenzy of rage.

“Goddamn it, Dave, why are you telling me what feminism is and what feminism is not?!” Helda screamed, her voice echoing through the corridors. “Don’t you know that I study this stuff all day, every day?!”

But Dave remained unfazed, calmly explaining how modern feminism had deviated from its traditional roots. He spoke of Florence Nightingale and Susan B. Anthony, champions of equal rights and equality under the law. Helda’s rage only intensified.

“Yes, I am a misandrist!” she exclaimed, her eyes blazing with fervor. “Look at the world today! It is literally drowning! Don’t you know about global warming?! This is the result of patriarchy and men calling the shots! Why don’t we let women call the shots for a change?!”

Dave tried to interject, to offer a different perspective, but Helda would hear none of it. She was never self-critical, never compassionate towards those who dared to think differently from herself.

In her circle of friends, Helda proudly showcased her one Black acquaintance to her German husband and acquaintances. She relished in taking rides in his Mustang, oblivious to the irony that this friend’s privileged background and limited experience with systemic discrimination hardly aligned with her crusade against racism.

Meanwhile, at the predominantly Black community college where Helda taught, she struggled with her own moral dilemmas. She tiptoed around the issue of ebonics, fearing she would be labeled a “grammar nazi.” Her self-consciousness of her German heritage clashed with her belief that the rules of English were tools of White oppression.

Returning home from work one day, Helda was consumed with guilt over giving a failing grade to a student for improper semicolon usage. She saw herself as an undeserving recipient of White privilege, constantly striving to atone for her perceived sins.

Her upbringing in a Protestant family, though she rejected Christianity, mirrored her relentless pursuit of virtue through public displays of repentance. She believed herself born racist, plagued by the original sin of Whiteness.

The irony of her last name, Shicklegrubber, and its similarity to a notorious Austrian figure was lost on Helda. She failed to see the contradiction in her identity, as she categorized people based on race, class, and gender, much like the man who changed his name to one universally deplored by historians. Also, like him, she believed that “might makes right”, which is why she categorically rejected the ideas of classical liberalism and the free exchange of ideas that characterized this political philosophy. Helda saw no reason to enter a discussion with people who disagreed with her because as far as she was concerned, objective truth was a philosophical fiction, and political ideas that are accepted by society are nothing more than a reflection of the self-serving biases of the elites, who are mostly White men. She therefore took it upon herself to change the world for the better by depriving these men of power and replacing them with purveyors of radical feminism.