Arts & Entertainment

Movies for Queers Who Throw Bricks

By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit

Exile in Happy Valley

It’s the first Pride Month since Covid has been defanged and I feel like going to the fucking movies. The only problem is that in 2022 all the movies fucking suck and what few Queer flicks that make it to the marquee are no exception to the rule. Every Hollywood asshole’s idea of diversity essentially amounts to giving some poor unfortunate niche another reboot hand-me-down of something that already sucked to begin with, as if an all-genderqueer version of Police Academy or Ghost Birthing Person starring Leslie Jones is some kind of great leap forward for progress rather than just another shallow, quota-checking, excuse for starlet raping producers to give themselves a rim-job for being nice to weird people between cocktails.

Even the streaming platforms that roll out the rainbow flag like a slip-n-slide to getting mugged by premium services don’t fucking get it and how could they? Corporate breeders seem to see Pride Month as an excuse to proliferate an ever-expanding network of increasingly Disneyfied drag show competitions. I like RuPaul as much as the next dyke willing to ignore the fact that she essentially plagiarized her whole persona from the decidedly less PC Vaginal Davis, but reality TV is reality TV, and this isn’t what Pride is about. Pride Month is a holiday to commemorate a fucking riot. A street fight with the NYPD where a pack of furious fairies and belligerent bulldaggers drew the line and beat the holy fucking Christ out of any breeder in blue dumb enough to cross it. We torched fucking cop cars and literally sent those pigs running for their lives for fucking with a seedy little Queer autonomous zone called the Stonewall Inn.

So where are all the scary Queers now? Where are all the movies about faggots with guns and trannies who kick ass? Well, they’re right here, dearest motherfuckers. As always, when I get mad, and I get pissed, I do as L7 instructed me, and write up a list, this time of movies for Queers like me who throw bricks. This is a list of movies about sexual mavericks and gender outlaws who are a force to be reckoned with. Freaks who bash back. And as always, it’s a weird and decidedly upsetting hodge-podge of foreign films, indie flicks, and badly misunderstood movies that not everyone is gonna like. But this is my blog and until the government finally takes it away and drags me off to Gitmo, it will always be a safe space for me to piss you off. However, if you’re like me and you feel like kicking (or fucking) a little ass every June then you might want to check these flicks out.

The Handmaiden (2016) by Park Chan-wook– I knew I was a lesbian before I even knew I was trans and this brilliantly mind-bending masterpiece by the undisputed Jesus Christ of Korean cinema, Park Chan-wook, is without a shadow of a doubt my absolute favorite lesbian flick. It’s the story of a Korean pickpocket and a Japanese heiress who get exploited into a scam to rip-off the abused heiress and fuck over the penniless pickpocket sent to manipulate her out of her fortune only for the two damsels in distress to fall in love and turn the tables against all the male masterminds trying to use these women like pawns in their sexist little game. It also has the most beautifully shot lesbian sex scenes ever directed by a breeder. The moral of the story is that those who underestimate Queer women do so at their own risk because we’ve all been forced to become dangerous to survive the games powerful cis-men play.

Monster (2003) by Patty Jenkins– Even Queer people don’t want to think about women like Aileen Wuornos, whose tragically short existence serves as the basis for Monster, during Pride Month. But Pride Month is precisely the time when we should remember women like Aileen Wuornos, not just because even the monsters are our people too but because these are the Queer people who the Pride Parade left behind. Wuornos wasn’t born a serial killer. She became one after years of abuse and survival sex. A rap sheet that is still despicably common to the Queer experience. By some strange miracle that monster was able to find an equally lost girl who could see the humanity behind her scars, and she literally killed to keep that girl safe because it was the only way she knew how to survive. We don’t just owe it to Aileen Wuornos to remember that we still live in a society where our own people are disposable if they aren’t pretty enough to be props for liberal do-gooders to virtue signal with, we owe it to ourselves.

Fight Club (1999) by David Fincher– It might seem ironic that the film that essentially predicted the rise of incels and Proud Boys is also the most homoerotic thing Hollywood ever tried to pull the plug on but it’s really not. Chuck Palahniuk, the brilliant Queer novelist who penned the story this cult classic was based on, was trying to warn us of what happens when you try to domesticate a gender identity. While women and other gender outlaws used the tools of feminism to pick the locks on our cages, stubborn cis-men became prisoners of a shrinking binary prison designed by the patriarchy that supposedly served them. Stuffed into monkey suits and office towers with their emotions on mute, they became ticking time bombs waiting to explode. The result was a lot of really pissed off bros willing to beat each other to a bloody pulp half-naked in sweaty basements just to be able to find some kind of intimacy within their own locker room without being labeled a fag. Mainstream society should be careful when they judge the fall out of toxic masculinity because mainstream society produced it. Fight Club just tried to warn you. You should have listened instead of shooting the messenger.

Boys Don’t Cry (1999) by Kimberly Peirce– There is no point in denying that Boys Don’t Cry is a tragic story. After all, it’s a movie that ends with a brutal hate crime. But it is a massive mistake to simply pass Brandon Teena, the transman this film is based on, off as a victim, because Brandon was a fucking outlaw, a man in black in the tradition of Leslie Feinberg and Johnny Cash. Brandon found himself a drifter on the wrong side of the law because he refused to play by any man’s rules but his own and even after being outed by the wanna-be tough guys who envied his unique bravado, he refused to leave town with his head low. You see, Brandon Teena didn’t die just because he was trans. Brandon Teena died because he was a man. He was at least twice the man as those cowards who had to put a bullet in his head and a knife in his heart just to keep him down. You can choose to remember the way Brandon died but make no mistake that this is a movie about the way Brandon lived.


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