By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit
Exile in Happy Valley
It was the perfect plot for a desperate hour. It was 2019 going on 2020 and the Clintonians who had run the Democratic Party since the early nineties were on the cusp of losing the parties presidential primary to a 300 year old pseudo-socialist lawn gnome named Bernie Sanders. He was a partisan pushover going way back but his supporters terrified the DNC’s neoliberal base by insisting that they actually do shit besides jerking off Jeff Bezos at Bay Area wine tastings. They couldn’t have this. They needed a new Obama to keep the kids distracted with empty overtures to identity politics while the self-appointed adults kept cutting deals with Wall Street and blowing up the Third World. But every shiny new puppet that this malignant wing of the party tried to push on the youngsters, from Booker to Buttigieg, just kept getting rejected in favor of that grouchy old social democrat from Vermont. The only other candidate who somehow held his own was a fossil named Joe Biden who might have been perfect if he didn’t have more skeletons in his crawl space than John Wayne Gacy and wasn’t disintegrating faster than an Indiana Jones Nazi before the Arc of the Covenant.
They would need a ringer. Biden was chosen as Obama’s running mate back in 2008 to comfort the parties covert closet racists and now they needed the opposite. While the future of neoliberalism did require a minority face, the DNC didn’t so much as pick Kamala Harris because she was a woman of color as they did because Joe Biden was essentially a career white supremacist responsible for passing many of the laws that the parties target demographic was in the streets protesting against. Their only hope of beating both Sanders and Trump was milking millennial’s irrational nostalgia for the Obama years by teaming the old Dixiecrat up with another biracial ceiling smasher whom they could groom to take the reigns from Biden once her White House experience rendered her sufficiently presidential and Alzheimer’s rendered Biden sufficiently vegetable. It was the perfect plot for a desperate hour, and it won both the Clintonians another sketchy win over the Sandernistas and the Democrats another four years in the White House. There was just one problem; the longer the public spent with Kamala the neoliberal wunderkind, the less they liked her.
A little over a year after their presidential coup and the Democratic Party is freaking the fuck out in bat country. After a century of devoted service to the military industrial complex, Biden has done the unthinkable and pulled a Kennedy by finally pulling us the fuck out of Afghanistan. Perhaps the old bastard felt the Reaper’s breath and decided he didn’t want to join his drinking buddies in the Klan in hell after all. Nobody knows. But all the stupid people are pissed, including Biden’s cheerleaders over at CNN. Biden’s poll numbers have dipped below 50% for the first time in his carefully choreographed White House and his heir apparent, Kamala Harris, is doing even worse, with Rasmussen finding that only 43% of those polled found her qualified while a whopping 55% found her unqualified. Democrats and Republicans alike have made themselves perfectly clear; with Biden coming apart at the seams, everybody hates Kamala Harris and the Democrats are up shit creek without a paddle in sight.