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The Brightside of Crimewaves

By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit

Exile in Happy Valley

Tuning into the evening news has begun to take on all the charming qualities of a seventies Scorsese flick. Some nights I have to wipe the blood from the screen. From coast to coast, from sea to rising sea, the mean streets of America are being rocked by a crime wave the likes of which we’ve never seen. After a thirty year drop in violent crime, 2020 has seen the biggest single year jump in homicides since they began recording such grim statistics in the 1960’s, with a 25% rise in a single year. And 2021 has all the makings of a Charles Bronson sequel.

Naturally, the partisan elites are tripping over their limp dicks looking for a convenient scapegoat to blame so there home team of feckless plutocrats can score points over the bodies. The Democrats, led aimlessly to brunch by Geritol poster boy Joe Biden and his graycare handlers, are making a big to-do out of blaming this all on America’s toxic love affair with the Second Amendment. Meanwhile, their doppelgangers in the GOP are having a field day blaming the whole bloodbath on Black Lives Matter and the evils of moderate police reform. If you’ve figured out already that I think they’re both full of shit then give yourself a prize and make it something sexy.

While it’s true that more Americans than ever before happen to be packing heat during an explosion of gun violence, American gun ownership continued to rise precipitously through out those thirty years between 1990 and 2020 when crime dropped like two eagles making love. This includes periods of time both before and after the Assault Weapons Ban with seemingly zero meaningful fluctuation. Liberals love to blame violence on guns but the truth is it makes about as much sense as blaming burglary on crowbars. It’s a red herring for people who lack the will and/or intelligence to ask why people are actually pulling the fucking trigger? What is it about the last two years that pushed America from armed to armed and dangerous?

Never missing an opportunity to out-stupid their rivals, Republicans and their frothing flunkies on cable news want to blame this whole damn thing on us not being nice enough to the cops. As silly as this sounds, I do believe they are accidentally in the right neighborhood in that I suspect that last summer’s uprisings and this years rise in crime share the same energy, but if anything the police have brought this upon themselves and the rest of us by behaving like the criminals they statistically fail to catch. Furthermore, defunding the police has largely become an empty campaign catch phrase for glad handing progressives. The few cities that have actually gone through with such reforms have watered them down to the point of fecklessness, and many of the most violent cities in the country like Detroit and Memphis haven’t passed any at all. America’s police are just a bunch of tax addicted crybabies hooked on playing the victim card like every other garden variety psychopath, and the right are more than happy to hand the sniveling creeps a microphone.

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