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Dissociated Press

In a characteristically brilliant diplomatic coup, US president Donald “3D Chess” Trump has convinced the Iranian government to sweeten the Memorandum of Understanding so Trump can claim it includes something—anything—other than abject and unconditional surrender.

Below are the additional 10 amendments to the MOU leaked to Dissociated Press by an unidentifiable White Horse souse.

Amendments to the Memorandum of Understanding Between the US and Iran

1) Iran insists: We don’t just promise never to build nuclear weapons, we CROSS OUR HEARTS AND HOPE TO DIE!

2) Iran will build a stunning monument to Donald Trump: a 1:100 scale LEGO replica of Mar-a-Lago, called Mar-a-LEGO, to be placed on a traffic island in central Tehran. Iran promises never to blow it up, cinematically or otherwise, as long as Trump doesn’t violate the deal.

3) Jared Kushner can have a very small island in the Persian Gulf if he promises not to build a bunker or rape any children there.

4) Iran promises that it will not gloat, chortle, or smirk as it takes possession of the $300 billion tribute payment from the defeated United States.

5) Iran pledges to redouble its efforts against ISIS and al-Qaeda, starting with the US-supported government in Damascus.

6) Iran agrees not to sue the Trump Organization for using the trademarked currency name “rial” for a forthcoming cryptocurrency roll-out of “The Trump Rial,” as long as Trump makes it clear that Iran neither endorses nor has any role in this or any other Trump Organization scam.

7) Iran agrees not to release any Trump-Epstein files, and to fire at least 100 missiles at Tel Aviv if Israel releases them, and maybe even if it doesn’t.

8) Iran agrees to help Trump throw Netanyahu under the bus: Ayatollah Khamenei Jr. will take his arms, Trump will take his legs, and they will swing Bibi back and forth a few times and then throw him beneath an AEC Routemaster double-decker London transport vehicle traveling at 40 miles per hour through central Tehran packed with tourists paying exorbitant prices to observe the proceedings from close range. Proceeds will be split evenly between the Trump Organization and the Revolutionary Guards.

9) Iran promises never to say anything positive about former President Obama and his very-bad-not-good JCPOA, nor anything negative about Trump’s very fine extremely wonderful Iran deal, a deal like nobody has ever seen before.

10) Iran sweetens the deal with a promise to supply the White House chef with a full year’s supply of top-grade Iranian pistachios, accompanied by ten cases of pistachio-flavored Diet Coke.