ACCORDING to the so-called Global Peace Index, a statistical analysis outfit committed to examining the relative peacefulness of 162 countries, the United States has been Ranked No.103 on the list of ‘Most Peaceful’ nations. Apart from the fact that behind the Global Peace Index lies the Institute for Economics and Peace (IEP) and, in turn, the staunchly pro-globalist committee known as the Club of Budapest, in light of America’s unexpected mid-table ranking I am becoming rather concerned about the threat presented by those countries which occupy positions 104 to 162.

After a little research, I discovered that right down at the bottom of the list are nations such as Afghanistan (161st) and Syria (162nd). Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the unrest in those countries been caused by the United States and its allies? It appears that even little Jamaica (107th) is less ‘peaceful’ than the United States. Perhaps it’s the volume of the Reggae, or the incessant rustling of all that Rizla paper? Even Peru, land of the famous shouting lama and visually-loud poncho, weighs in at a staggering 119th. One might reasonably argue that this survey is based merely on how dangerous these countries are within the confines of their own borders, but then why is Russia 152nd in the list? Have they run out of vodka again, or have the feminists simply decided to keep their breasts tucked into their bras for a change and sent the Cossacks into unbridled fits of apoplectic rage?

Finally, it may interest you to know that the country lying just above the United States, in 102nd place, is Benin. Yes, really. That notoriously evil nation where people come at you with plates of black-eyed peas, no less, where the population is just 10,879,829 and the country’s political system scored an impressive 18th out of 52 in the Ibrahim Index of African Governance, is just a tad more peaceful than America. Benin, in order to move further up in the Global Peace Index, really needs to cut down on its enormous network of military bases and stop carving up the world to suit its own agenda. Down with sub-Saharan tyranny! Down with ‘chicken on the spit’ and other wicked forms of Belinese culinary imperialism!

One thing I did find curious, on the other hand, is that whilst ‘Israel’ occupies 144th spot there is a certain country by the name of Palestine – yes, here it actually exists – right down in 148th. Perhaps the Zionists are trying to keep ahead in the peace charts by conveniently blaming their own aggressive behaviour on the indigenous Arabs? It wouldn’t be the first time.