By Hunter S. Thompson, ESPN

Johnny Depp called me from France on Sunday night and asked what I knew about Osama bin Laden.

“Nothing,” I said. “Nothing at all. He is a ghost, for all I know. Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m terrified of him,” he said. “All of France is terrified. … I freaked out and rushed to the airport, but when I got there my flight was canceled. All flights to the U.S. were canceled. People went crazy with fear.”

“Join the club,” I told him, “Almost everybody went crazy over here.”

“Never mind that,” he said. “Who won the Jets-Colts game?”

“There was no game,” I said. “All sports were canceled in this country — even ‘Monday Night Football.’ “

“No!” he said, “That’s impossible! I’ve never known a Monday night without a game on TV. What is the stock market doing?”

“Nothing yet,” I said, “It’s been closed for six days.”

“Ye gods,” he muttered. “No stock market, no football — this is Serious.”

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