Anti-Imperialism/Foreign Policy

Pick a Cold War, Any Cold War!

By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit

Exile in Happy Valley

Oh what a democracy we have in America! What a free and vibrant land of choices we’ve created for ourselves on the graves of more primitive civilizations. We just have so many goddamn choices to chose from, it’s enough to make a conspicuous consumer downright dizzy. We get to choose which dead-end box store to slave in for minimum wage beneath the tutelage of a 10th grade tyrant named Chip. We get to choose between several bloodsucking insurance cartels required by the Heritage Foundation socialism of Obamacare. We get to choose which Impossible Glop fast food franchise to slowly murder ourselves with, and if that fails to do the trick, we get to choose which caliber of bullet to snack on instead.

But best of all, every four years, our fine dystocracy allows us to pick which millionaire or billionaire will be the face of the corporate junta that runs our lives. We’re usually provided two whole choices of despotic mascot to sell empire and gobalism to the masses, with a couple more jokers too sincere to be taken seriously running on Bush League third party tickets, and this year the choices are truly divine. Such a fine representation of our diverse multicultural melting pot. We have a geriatric, degenerate, white supremacist, sex criminal and we have a geriatric, degenerate, white supremacist, sex criminal endorsed by Noam Chomsky! Our cup runneth over! Best of all, this time our two candidates for syphilitic Kevorkian in chief are providing us with the ultimate in democratic choices. Which cold war nuclear holocaust do we all want to die in! Wowee!! Let’s have ourselves a looksee, shall we?

In Joe Biden’s dusty corner we have the tried and true boogeyman of Mother Russia. Cruise missile Democrats have been pushing for war with this colossal hulk of a rust belt superpower since Kennedy was in short pants. Why fuck with a good thing now just because it’s staler than the roofied hard candy in old Joe’s basement? We’ve been on a nostalgic bender over the last decade, blaming everything that does or doesn’t go bump in the night on that Hanna-Barbera grade supervillain, Vladimir Putin. He’s fucking with the elections. He’s fucking with the thermostat. He’s breaking into your house every night and dry humping on the furniture. Haven’t you noticed that the love seat now reeks of caviar and Drakkar Noir? Worst of all, he’s committing the most heinous crime any Russkie can commit. That little almond eyed bastard is fucking defending himself. The nerve!….


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