The Onion once again proves itself to be one of the few reliable journalistic outlets
LOS ANGELES—Insisting their department provided crucial services that help maintain order in the city, law enforcement officials warned Wednesday that defunding the police could lead to a spike in crime from ex-officers with no outlet for their violence. “The truth is that there are violent people in our society, and we need a police department so they have somewhere to go during the day to channel their rage,” said L.A. police chief Michel Moore, telling reporters that without proper resources, his team would be powerless to take these aggressive individuals off the streets and throw them into a police academy.
“If these cuts are allowed to continue, we could be looking at a very real future where someone with a history of domestic abuse is able to terrorize their spouse with impunity instead of being occupied testing out new tactical military equipment or pepper-spraying some random teens. The fact that these dangerous attackers and killers are being gainfully employed by the LAPD is the only thing standing between us and complete chaos.” Moore added that even minor budget cuts could lead to repeat violent offenders walking free instead of spending 10 to 15 years behind a sergeant’s desk.