It’s interesting how these parody sites like the Hard Times, the Onion, and the Babylon Bee are now the most honest and accurate forms of journalism.
By Zach Russell
The Hard Times
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Commerce issued a concerning report this morning, finding that 78% of American corporations are barely scraping by and living stimulus to stimulus, sources laying naked atop a tiger pelt confirmed.
“It’s dire straits for hard-working legal entities in America, with many businesses struggling to dole out even a cool million in fun money to execs like me,” commented Royal Caribbean’s CEO Richard Fain while holding back tears as he opened a safe hidden behind a painting that was only half full of gold and ivory. “Corporations have already done everything we can to cut operating expenses — we slashed health benefits, reinvested our employees’ 401k accounts into stock buyback plans for our board members, and it’s still not enough. Hell, American Airlines euthanized half their flight crew, but Uncle Sam just pulls his purse strings tighter, sliding us mere single-digit billions: proof the federal government doesn’t give two shits about struggling Ltd’s. We have sharks and huge tanks to buy, damn it!”