The Most Terrible Back to School Tales

From Gawker.Com


Since this is Back to School time, we asked for all of your horror stories from those school days, school days, good old golden rule days. We were shocked by the number of gross, embarrassing, depressing, and hilarious tales that we got. But there can only be one winner.

But before we get to that, here are all the runners-up, who impressed us with their wonderfully crafted tales of woe. All of these commenters received stars if they didn’t have one already. The names are our own, but the tales are all theirs.

While all these were great, there is nothing that can compare with the winner, which combines public humiliation, the growing pains of adolescence, and a sweet ending that makes it almost sound like some sort of Nickelodeon teen movie. This wasn’t Nickelodeon teen movie, was it? Anyway, the winner is SarDeliac for his story, “I’ve Got the Boner Blues.”

8th grade graduation ceremony, boys and girls paired by height. Just hitting puberty (skipped a grade), so I was short. The girl I was paired with? Hottest in the class. Had bloomed early, and really bloomed.We were like second or third in line at the front. The proximity to her had a predictable effect—especially since she was slathered in ‘Babe’.

By the time the diploma-getting stage-crossing part started, I’d been “blooming” for easily 20 minutes. And since we were all in gowns… on the way up the stage I tried to swing my left arm in very small arcs to sort of cover it from the audience side.

My turn. Accept the diploma with the left hand while shaking with the right. Female presenter. She looks down, and I don’t know what she was thinking, but instead of handing the thing across with her left to my left, she swung it down and across.

So. Just-turned-12, fully tumescent, get clubbed in the jimmy by an adult female swinging a cardboard easel. Dropped like a rock. Full fetal. Principal picked me up like a child and carried me to the nurse (yeah, I was that small).

At the after-ceremony dance a couple hours later (after the school nurse had checked me out, which is another story entirely), my walking partner made it a point to find me, smooch me on the cheek, and tell me she was sorry. To that point, that was the single kindest thing anyone had ever done for me.

I still remember her name.

Thanks everyone for participating and the winner can collect his prize by emailing me. Thank god we all graduated in one piece.

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