News Updates

Current Thing Round-up

Sep 10, 2023

As I missed my weekly post last week, here’s a quick round-up of thoughts on the recent current events that have currently happened in events that recently were current when they happened:

  • Life imitates my attempts at satire, as my suggestion from earlier in the year that climate-cultists would declare a war on trees has apparently been taken up by “best-selling science writer and essayist” David Wallace-Wells in a New York Times opinion piece entitled “Forests Are No Longer Our Climate Friends.” My next prediction is that 2000AD’s ‘alien super-fiend’ Judge Death, who sentenced his entire planet to execution for the “crime of life”, will be on hand to grant Extinction Rebellion their next catchy slogan: THE CRIME ISSS LIFE… THE SSSENTENCE ISSS DEATH!
  • A bill was quietly passed in the UK parliament permitting the use of “reasonable force” in making people install electrosmog-ridden technocracy-surveillance devices in their homes, otherwise known as “smart meters”. This means they can switch off your electricity supply if you do a transphobia, as transphobia causes climate-change, according to Science.


Burning Man went ahead in the Nevada desert, and in what has become an annual event, was hit by a Biblical omen. Previous years have featured wildfires, locusts, and at least one suicide-by-burning-man, but this year featured a deluge which left many vehicles stuck in the alkaline mud, which also happens to be mildly toxic to the skin. Many burners were left with nothing better to do than spread rumours about an ebola outbreak. Said rumours inspired this banger tweet which got like, 30 likes, or something! Cashback!

  • Oliver Anthony went viral with his song “Rich Men North of Richmond”, which demonstrated strong kulak-sympathies and highly counter-revolutionary sentiments. Displaying his usual finger-on-the-pulse relevance, state-approved Voice of the Wor’ing Classes Billy Bragg was on hand to correct Anthony’s mistakes with a regime-approved version of the song, entitled “Rich Men Earning North of a Million”. Standout lyrics include: “You wanna talk about bathrooms while the floodwaters rise / The forest is on fire and the wind burns our eyes, ah! Join a union.” Can’t argue with that sort of poetic genius.
  • Talking of washed-up has-beens that nobody cares about any more, there have been rumblings of a Covid-19 revival, with a new variant called Eris and something something mask mandates etc. Pro tip for any Young Global Shapers reading this blog: naming your latest corona-goblin after the goddess of chaos, unpredictability, and discord might lead to… unexpected consequences.

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