By Nicky Reid aka Comrade Hermit

Exile in Happy Valley

Are you depressed, bored, disenchanted or just plain pissed-off with the humdrum banality of straight white suburban bourgeoise existence?

Has the American Dream begun to feel more like a waking nightmare with beige carpet swatches?

Have you quit your dead-end 9-to-5 office job and have zero intention of looking for a new one?

Are you beginning to suspect that the overpriced IKEA furniture you own actually owns you?

Do you find yourself hoarding large supplies of dried goods and canned foods in a heavily fortified basement?

Have you begun to find it easier to communicate with other human beings while dressed up like a candy-colored andromorphic animal?

Are the long weekends you spend sleeping in your van out in the desert just getting longer and longer?

Does the make-believe life you live pretending to be a goblin out in the woods with other Tolkien addicts feel more real than the one you lead back in the real world?

Would you rather be spanked and diapered by a pissed-off bitch than have sex like a missionary with the lights off?

Do you find yourself secretly hoping for a zombie apocalypse just so you don’t have to mow the lawn this weekend?

Does marching around town with an AR-15 in military fatigues and a Hawaiin shirt feel more like progress than voting for some smug asshole in a monkey-suit who swears that he’s just marginally less toxic than the other smug asshole in a monkey-suit?

If you answered yes to one or more of the questions above, then you might be a member of the out-group, a loosely affiliated population of proudly disgruntled minorities that find themselves uncapable or unwilling to conform to the narrow expectations of White Anglo Saxon Protestant society during the collapse of Western Civilization. This may come as a shock to you because you may in fact identify as a White Anglo Saxon Protestant. You may have even been raised to believe that this vanilla prison sentence is in fact a grand privilege and rejecting it to embrace being a fucking weirdo instead may feel like blasphemy, but it may be time to consider that being one of “them” might be for you.

You might want to consult a Black and/or Queer friend before committing social suicide as reactions from the police state may vary. Common side-effects of out-group affiliation may include unhousing, unemployment, ostracization, online censorship and even no-knock police raids as well as feelings of belonging to something bigger than the crass commercialism of late-stage capitalism that you’ve secretly thirsted for your entire life. You may even find yourself ecstatically happy as the world burns down around your feet.

My humble suggestion, for whatever it’s worth to you, is to just fucking embrace your madness if it makes you happy and pisses off the establishment because life ain’t getting any longer and the world is coming unglued.

Yes indeed, dearest motherfuckers, this is it, the end-days, Armageddon, the Kali Yuga, tooth-for-tooth time. Whatever you wanna fucking call it, the jig is up, all bets are off, the center cannot hold, the falcon cannot reach the falconer. After centuries of prophecy from every dangerously woke lunatic from Jesus Christ to Ted Kaczynski, the age of Ozymandias is finally upon us. Just turn on that flickering idiot box the government tracks you with in your pocket if you still don’t believe us. Even the beautiful imbeciles on the news are starting to spout bad poetry like Charlie Manson. Moneyed oligarchs are sicking different wings of their precious police state on each other for a change, the polar ice caps are melting faster than cellophane environmentalists like Al Gore can profit off it, and the largest superpowers on the planet are locked in multiple nuclear Mexican stand-offs at once as their economies tank and circle the drain.

This is it. The ship is going down and you can either drown with those fancy deckchairs you bought from Sharper Image or grab a life preserve but don’t you dare act like the freaky people didn’t fucking warn you because we’ve been warning you like fucking crazy for a thousand years. Christ, Mohammed, Spengler, Marx, Stirner, Nietzsche, Malcolm, Gramsci, Fanon, Genet, Hicks, Kaczynski, we all told you that this colossus doesn’t float, and you called us heretics and imbeciles and threw us in your packed prisons and asylums. Well, maybe now you’ll fucking listen, now that the wreckage of your sick modern lifestyle is affecting your stock portfolio and your beachfront property values. Swim, swine, swim. No state will stand long enough to save you from yourself now.

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