Culture Wars/Current Controversies

Pedro Gonzalez – Doing the Job That Americans Are No Longer Willing To Do

The Mexican-American Anti-Bullshit activist on why Americans need more self-respect, his polemical style, American nationalism and what it should be, how to water your lawn, plus hundreds of insults

Pedro “Speedy With the Insults” Gonzalez loves nothing more than engaging with his critics in a gentlemanly manner in order to kindly and politely work out their differences towards achieving a consensus for the benefit of all concerned. Mutual respect, a tolerance of how others think and what they say, and a lack of anger are what characterize this Chronicles Magazine writer. An increasingly visible presence on the right side of the US political spectrum, Pedro has appeared in many places, most notably on Tucker Carlson’s show.

Pedro wants you to know that he has many things to tell you, so I offered him the use of my incredibly powerful platform to do so. We conducted this interview in person while we were escorting a group of New Americans from Sinaloa safely across the border.

Warning! Some rough language ahead.



I told my old friend David French that I was going to interview you, and he replied to my email with this:

On second thought, it wasn’t David French. It was actually Noah Smith. My sincerest apologies to David for this honest mistake.

Anyway, I thought that this was incredibly rude of David Noah (not to mention horribly racist).  However, being an American patriot and a lover of liberty who holds the US Constitution dear to my heart, I had no option but to share this with you……in the name of free speech.  This crude caricature is a blessing of liberty, much like drag queens reading books to small children in public libraries before they accept dollar bills being stuffed in their thongs by those same small children.  It should be celebrated!  To David Noah I say: “Friendly, Fun, Beaner Chum”.

I’m not surprised David French would reply like that. He has been dismissive of me, presumably because I am not white. French claims to care so much about the concerns of immigrants and yet has ignored my repeated requests for him to self-deport as I do not want to share a country with him. Why is he like this? I do not know. Perhaps if I were to put on a nice pair of heels, slather on some makeup and fishnets, dance around small children in a public library, maybe pour hot wax on my nipples as “Ring My Bell” softly thumps in the background, it might titillate him to pay me more mind. I think about this often. I often wake up in a sweat over it.

Readers showld note that Pedro let Noah off of the hook – ed.

What is your typical day like, Pedro?  I imagine that you wake up around noon, go into the kitchen, and say “Buenos Dias” to your pregnant wife who is re-frying the re-fried beans for the fourth time today.  You then finish forging the three Social Security Cards that you have to deliver to customers later in the day.  Once done, you head down to the bodega to buy tequila and some more beans (never enough!), picking up 12 Mexicans who have illegally crossed the border after coordinating with your cousin Juan who works the route from the Mexican side.  A stop-off is made in a once-entirely Black and now diverse neighbourhood, where you threaten a Black family with a baseball bat and knife to “move out or else!” in order to make way for these new Americans.  You get home around 5pm and blast some cumbia music in the backyard, then go into the basement to see if your 7 children have finished adding fentanyl to the heroin and cocaine that the last batch of illegals brought with them to give to you to sell on behalf of the Gulf Cartel.  Your children have completed the pressing (great kids!), and you then call 18 of your nephews (you’d call more, but 13 of them are in prison), so that they can begin to distribute the product in playgrounds throughout the neighbourhood.  It’s now time to eat fajitas in the backyard, kick back, pound tequila, enjoy the very loud music, and be happy that your days of chain-sawing rival dealers are in your past because you are now on the US side of the border. I strongly feel that one should believe everything that they read or see on TV, and thanks to my habit of watching FOX News 12 hours a day, I am confident that I am correct in the depiction above.


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