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Sympathetic Police Know What It’s Like To Have A Bad Day And Kill 8 People

The Onion

ATLANTA—In a press conference updating the public on the ongoing investigation, the Atlanta Police Department revealed Wednesday that they had ruled out mass shooting as a cause of death after the 21-year-old suspect told officers that he didn’t shoot anyone. “Following an exhaustive interrogation in which we repeatedly asked the suspect if he shot anyone and received a definitive ‘no,’ we can discard our first assumption that this was a mass shooting-based crime,” said Captain Jay Baker, stressing that although his team was working around the clock on where to go from here, this development placed them decisively back at square one. “Of course, some will question our approach—that’s why we did our due diligence and asked several times if he was absolutely sure, because it would look really bad if we didn’t follow every loose end. But he told us he was positive that he didn’t shoot anyone. That was really reassuring for the whole force. He was there at the massage parlors, after all. Who knows what happened better than him?” Reynolds added that, as an extra precaution, the suspect would need to sign his own statement saying he hadn’t shot anyone before they dismissed his charges and let him head home.

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