The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump commented on Abraham Lincoln’s performance last week, saying his actions for the black community were “OK, pretty good, but not great.” He then went on to promise that his civil war will be “even better” than Lincoln’s.
“Lincoln did a lot of good for blacks. The Emancipation Proclamation was nice, maybe, I don’t know, many people are saying it was fine, very fine. Not bad. But I’ve done even more,” he said at a press conference. “I have black friends. Did Lincoln have any black friends? I’m not sure, we’ll have to check with the experts. But I doubt it. I highly doubt it.”
“And Lincoln’s Civil War, it was fine. Lots of good movies were made about it. I liked the one that talked about his secret life as a vampire hunter. I hadn’t realized that about him. Anyway, my Civil War will be even bigger. Not just dummies shooting muskets at each other in a line — that’s no good. We’ll have tanks, planes, you name it. A very good war.”
“My Civil War will be tremendous, maybe the best ever.”