Not so long ago, Barack Obama electrified and mesmerized not only America but the entire solar system and even parts of the Crab Nebula with his transparently empty promises, his smooth mulatto charisma, and an oratory prowess that sent tingles running up grown men’s legs. Then, roughly five minutes after his inauguration, Obama lost all his charm and has flailed for the past two-and-a-half years as a frightened-and-flummoxed amateur who’s obviously in way over his oversized ears. His approval rating has plummeted so precipitiously, it reached the point earlier this year where “only” 85 percent of African Americans said he’s doing a swell job.
But except for that opening paragraph, we’re not here to make fun of Barack Obama. Today, we aim our gleeful Schadenfreude at his blood relatives, many of whom have names that sound like slight variations of Ooga Booga Yabba Dabba Doo.
Historically, the press has made a bigger deal of Democratic presidents’ wayward relatives than it has of GOP prez’s familial fuckups. Whether this is due to editorial negligence or the fact that Republicans’ families have kept their noses cleaner, we are not sure. Ronald Reagan’s immediate family members did only slightly embarrassing things such as becoming a snarky, gay-seeming ballet dancer and a charmlessly meandering talk-radio host. Oh, and George Bush, Sr. had a mildly retarded son who became president for twice as long as his dad.
Over on the donkey side, America’s media made huge hay of a bucktoothed, bespectacled, runway-staining Georgia cracker called Billy Carter and a coke-gobbling, talent-free wannabe musician named Roger Clinton.
But Barack Obama doesn’t merely have a single embarrassing family member. He has a whole litter of them. But he’s protected by the Black Shield, a new kind of skin privilege, one it’s impossible to even mention without being branded with the irrevocably shameful “R” word. Due to such fears and also their elaborate financial and ideological entanglements with the current administration, most of America’s press doesn’t leap nearly so eagerly on Obama’s familial skeletons as they do on Sarah Palin’s retarded child or Michelle Bachmann’s screaming faggot of a husband. The press isn’t even in Obama’s pocket—they’re snuggled deep up in his underwear.
We are not constrained by such fears. But because a fundamental spirit of fairmindedness animates us, we’ll leave his immediate family members out of it, although we can’t help mentioning he was raised almost solely by Caucasians after age two and expressed his gratitude by checking off “black” rather than “white” or “some other race” on his Census form.
Since they’re both dead, we will say nothing mean about his commie-sympathizing mud shark of a mother nor his violent, peg-legged, deadbeat alcoholic dad. Since they’re still alive, we will refrain from taking cheap shots at his daughters Sushi and Mongolia and from disparaging his overbearing, insufferable, ball-busting, walking vagina dentata of a wife.
We’re here simply to make sport of his less-immediate family members. It’s funny to hear that Barack Obama has so many half-brothers, because genetically, Obama is a half-brother. Although we don’t think he’s fully responsible for any of their actions, we’ll note that he seems reluctant to “spread the wealth” with any of them.
ONYANGO “UNCLE OMAR” OBAMA
Although he moved to the USA in the early 1960s, the president’s half-uncle is still an illegal immigrant who somehow has managed to finagle himself an authentic Massachusetts driver’s license and a valid Social Security card since 1992. On August 24 of this year, his erratic driving led to an arrest by Massachusetts police, who pulled him over near the Chicken Bone Saloon in Framingham. A police report noted his “obviously red and glassy eyes,” a “slurred speech pattern,” and “a strong odor consistent with consumption of alcohol coming from his breath.” His blood-alcohol level reportedly tested at twice the legal limit, making him a drunk uncle, or, if you prefer, a “druncle.” The 67-year-old liquor-store employee had reportedly also sold alcohol to underaged individuals on two separate occasions. When advised of his right to make a phone call and arrange bail, he said, “I think I will call the White House.” Although facing deportation, he has sought refuge from the same law firm that enabled his younger sister, the innately loathsome Zeituni Onyango, to avoid the same fate only last year.
We’ve encountered cockroaches with more appealing personalities. Obama’s half-aunt, this South Boston slum-dwelling welfare leech received brief notoriety just prior to the 2008 presidential election but appears to have been silenced by her half-nephew’s campaign, allegedly telling a reporter, “I can’t talk about it….After [November] 4th, I can talk to anyone.” She moved from Kenya to the US in 2000 and unsuccessfully applied for asylum in 2002. Her request was denied in 2004, but she stayed obstinately planted in free Boston public housing while receiving a monthly disability check. She was finally granted asylum in 2010 and arrogantly told a CBS reporter, “I didn’t ask for it; they gave it to me. I didn’t create it or vote for it. Go and ask your system….If I come as an immigrant, you have the obligation to make me a citizen.”
The president’s Kenya-based cell-phone-peddling half-brother was found to have once lived illegally in Britain for seven years. In November of 2008, he was arrested in Berkshire for tailing a group of young females—one of whom was only 13—into a coffee shop, at which point he “became aggressive” and “allegedly tried to sexually assault one of them.” He reportedly gave false ID to questioning officers, claiming his name was Henry Aloo. En route from Kenya to Washington, DC in January 2009, he was denied permission to re-enter Britain due to the earlier incident. Immigration allowed him to stay in the airport overnight, after which he flew to our nation’s capital to attend his famous brother’s inauguration.
A’BONGO MALIK “ROY” OBAMA
We’re not sure where he gets “Roy” out of all that, and we’re not interested enough to research it. But this radical-Muslim polygamist once reportedly said that the black man—we’re assuming he meant all black men rather than an unspecified single black man—must “liberate himself from the poisoning influences of European culture.” We agree. He also once allegedly reassured America’s Jews that his half-brother Barack would do good by them “despite his Muslim background.” In May, the National Legal and Policy Center filed a complaint with the IRS, charging him with claiming that his organization is a tax-exempt, federally funded nonprofit outfit, while they say he’s lying through his dazzlingly white teeth. His charity organization is somewhat deceptively dubbed the Barack H. Obama Foundation, but it’s named after his dark-chocolate father rather than his mocha-tinted half-brother. According to critics, evidence of his organization’s do-gooding does not extend beyond photos on his website.
In August 2008 as election battle lines had been drawn between Barack Obama and John McCain, the Italian edition of Vanity Fair leaked the embarrassing news that Obama’s half-brother George was living amid squalor in Nairobi, “earning less than a dollar a day.” Shortly after his brother’s election, Kenyan police arrested George Obama for allegedly possessing a full joint’s worth of marijuana. George later said that the Vanity Fair report was “exaggerated” and that people in his slum make up to five dollars a day. George said he had a “relatively privileged childhood” that he squandered on “drink and drugs” after becoming a “gun-toting gangster” and spending a year in prison for robbery. “Many people presume I have a direct line to the White House,” he wrote, “but I don’t.”
MARK OKOTH OBAMA NDESANDJO
Barack Obama’s well-educated light-skinned half-brother currently resides in China, running an Internet business that Chinese officials have suggested runs afoul of tax laws. Critics have accused him of “helping to promote cheap Chinese exports” to the detriment of America’s economy. He also accused Barack Obama Sr. of beating him as a child. “I could not remember any good things about my father,” he has said. “My skin had turned hard emotionally for so many years.” Still, we’re not nearly as bothered by any of that as we are by whatever that thing is he’s wearing on his head.