Article by Jim Goad.
Sorry to be a dick about it, but is it impolite to suggest there are other possible causes for childhood obesity beyond Ronald McDonald? How about the fact that children exercise 20% less than they did in the 1970s while consuming only 3% more calories? Could their flabby asses be glued to the fact that six out of ten of them walked or biked to school in the seventies, while only one in ten does now? Might it be related to the stark reality that both mom and dad work now and still have less discretionary income, while in the seventies only dad worked?
Perish all such thoughts and stick to the script. The bogeymen are the evil corporations whose most recognizable public face is that of the sinister red clown who pushes cancer upon our children, those young and easily misled sprites who would really, really, really prefer to eat wheatgrass and tempeh if only they had the choice.
To their credit, McDonald’s issued a statement on Thursday basically telling their critics to go eat sprouts and that Ronald is an “ambassador for good” whom they intend to keep alive for a long, long time.
I generally avoid McDonald’s and most fast foods, but I feel a lingering affection for the Ronald McDonald character and would like the McDonald’s Corporation to know that I have Ronald’s back if things should get ugly in the streets. This recent attack on one of America’s most enduring icons strikes me as yet another tiresome Frankfurt School admonition to destroy the host culture’s altars and tear down its images. I’m here to warn you that we will not let Ronald go lightly. He has more charisma in one of his flaming-red fake pubic hairs than you have in your entire bodies. To show my solidarity, I’m going out right now to buy a Happy Meal. The wife and kid will split the food for lunch, and neither one will be the fatter for it. And the kid will have a toy he can keep, which is more than you bitter and delusional burgerphobes have ever bothered to give him. For all your enlightenment, you show a rare degree of meanness that you are too blinded by your wisdom to see.