Invasion of the Kochtopussies

Jim Goad’s hilarious takedown of the paranoid Left.

I make it a general rule never to trust even one-half of a word that any politician says, whether it’s left, right, up, down, North, South, and even some parts of Philly. I’ve never been good at team sports, and when forced to choose between Democrats and Republicans, it’s like having to pick whether it’ll be my parents or the nuns at school who slap me in the face. Not for a nanosecond, even when I was really bored, have I ever considered myself “right-wing” or “conservative” or “libertarian,” and I took the Last Train out of Leftville about 20 years ago, long after they’d lost their sense of humor and had become so insufferable, you didn’t know whether to fart in their face or stab them in the neck.

It’s hard if not impossible to ever find me saying anything in favor of the “right,” but I’ll talk your ears deaf about how much leftists suck. The reason—let’s come clean, everybody—is because people who identify with the “left” have been The Biggest Assholes in the Universe for quite some time now.

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