Let’s take a moment to appreciate the modern marvel that is English law enforcement. It really is a marvel—an institution capable of ignoring vast, systematic crimes while bringing the full weight of the Law on the innocent.

The latest example? An obvious and even self-evident animal with a stated desire to commit a terrorist attack on English schoolgirls, who was—shock of shocks!—able to plan and execute his attack without police intervention. One wonders what the authorities were doing while he was posting about his intentions online. Running sensitivity training workshops? Chasing down pensioners for misgendering people on Twitter?

It’s worth pausing here to compare priorities. When young English girls were being systematically groomed and raped across the North of England, the police response was… well, nothing. Actually, that’s not quite right—they did respond by arresting people who tried to raise awareness of the scandal. And, to this day, they continue to slow-walk investigations, dismiss complaints, and generally ensure that as few people as possible face consequences for years of organised sexual enslavement. This, we are told, is progress.

Meanwhile, an English schoolboy playing in the street with a brightly coloured plastic toy gun can expect to be surrounded by an armed response team within minutes. Officers who somehow never managed to notice entire grooming gangs operating in their towns will appear instantly if a teenager dares to hold a piece of plastic in a manner that might, for a moment and by someone with advanced dementia, be mistaken for a serious crime. He will be lectured on “public safety” and given a stern talking-to about the dangers of making people feel uncomfortable.

This is the England we now live in. An England where the police—politicised, and largely useless—respond to crime with theatrical ineptitude. The police can’t stop terrorism, won’t stop organised rape, but have all the resources in the world to harass English boys for playing outside.

A Modest Proposal: How to Fix This Mess

Here’s my ten-point plan to make England a safer place. It is simple and even cheaper than simple:

1. Abolish the police. Since they’ve made themselves worse than useless, we might as well spare ourselves the expense.
2. Allow any adult not obviously insane to walk into a gun shop.
3. Allow him to buy as many guns as he can afford. No background checks, no fuss, no nonsense.
4. Allow him to buy as much ammunition as he sees fit. The more the better—bulk-buy discounts encouraged.
5. Allow him to keep these weapons at home for the protection of his life, property, and womenfolk.
6. Allow him to carry them outside his home for the same reason.
7. Repeal all laws that make it troublesome to use deadly force in defence of person or property. If someone threatens you, you should be free to remove them from society, permanently.
8. Honour those who defend their communities. Public medals for anyone who successfully eliminates more than one predator in the act of aggression.
9. Publish all redacted parts of the Report on the Dunblane Massacre in 1996. Let’s find out what our rulers have been hiding from us.
10. Remove taxpayer funding from any organisation that opposes the above. If you think criminals should roam freely and citizens should remain disarmed, you can pay for that opinion yourself.

This plan is not just effective; it is necessary. England is now a country where the law protects criminals, where the police are either absent or complicit, and where ordinary people are told to cower in fear rather than defend themselves.

Let’s put an end to this farce. Let’s make England safe again. And let’s make it clear that those who prey on the innocent will no longer have the protection of the British State. Instead, they will have the swift and permanent justice of an armed and vigilant citizenry.