Wall Street wipeout

One that sounded hopeful a while back was Helium. You could earn Helium coins by opening up a low-power WiFi router for other people to use. Well, anybody who’s done that has seen the price of the coins go down from $35 a year ago … to $2.08 this week.

So email me at insidertoday@insider.com if you know a reason to be hopeful. But do not email me about promising ideas or theoretical possibilities. Tell me about people whose life in 2023 is better every day because they figured out a way to use blockchain technology. Until then, let’s get to the news.

— Nicholas Carlson

• Biden aides discovered a second batch of classified documents in a separate location. His mishandling of docs may pose serious national security risks. Read more.
• Twitter is closing at least a dozen international offices as Elon Musk skips rent and dramatically shrinks operations. More on the closures.
• Idaho murder suspect Bryan Kohberger beguiled medical staff four days after quadruple killing: “He’s so charming.” Read more.

Chief heart officer. Chief amazement officer. Chief empathy officer. Laugh if you want, but these are real titles at real companies.

Wacky C-suite titles are all the rage these days. Since the pandemic and the ensuing Great Resignation, companies are looking for new ways to appear attractive to prospective employees. And that means leaning into feelings-centric job titles. It’s basically telling people, “Come work for us, and we’ll take care of you.”

These companies are taking a page from the old Olive Garden playbook: “When you’re here, you’re family.” The problem with that? Families are permanent, but employment is not. And at the end of the day, despite the compassionate titles, these people are still running a business, and can still fire you.

Top reads

• Inside Goldman Sachs’ layoffs. Goldman began a major round of cuts, which could leave as many as 3,200 employees out of work. “Every 10 minutes, I just kept hearing that someone was being let go,” one employee said. Get the full story. But it was a brutal day overall for the finance industry — read up on the wipeout here.
• Most armies ignore autistic people, but Israel is calling them up. Insider gained rare access to the country’s program that places autistic people with valuable skills in the military. “We see the world in a different way,” one trainee said, “that offers creative solutions.” Look inside the program here.
• Apple, Meta fall out of Glassdoor’s ranking. The iPhone maker and Facebook parent are no longer the best places to work, according to Glassdoor’s annual list. They couldn’t even crack the top 100! From Box to Nvidia, check out the top companies that did make the cut.
• Electric cars are killing the car dealership. Blame Tesla, or the pandemic, or the chip shortage, but nobody has the patience to wander dealership lots, talk with salespeople, or haggle over pricing anymore. Here’s a look at the new car-buying paradigm.
• “I ran Mark Zuckerberg’s security detail.” Brooks Scott was an executive protection manager for the billionaire Facebook founder. Then one day in Barcelona, he had a revelation and knew he needed to quit. Here’s what convinced Scott to find a job he loves.
• George Santos is living proof of why you shouldn’t lie on your résumé. The Congressman is facing calls to resign after admitting to a series of lies about his education, work history, and family background. Recruiters say it’s easier than ever to spot falsehoods on a résumé. Here’s why.
• “I quit my Hollywood assistant job over terrible behavior and low pay.” Qaleb Pillai was an assistant at a major talent agency, where he was a target of cutthroat, ruthless, and mean agents. He told Insider why he quit and what he learned from his experience. Read more.

We got an inside look at how Army combat medics are trained at Fort Sam Houston and Camp Bullis in San Antonio, Texas. Watch now.

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This edition was curated by Nicholas Carlson, and edited by Hallam Bullock, Lisa Ryan, Dave Smith, Nathan Rennolds, and Joe Ciolli. Get in touch: insidertoday@insider.com.